That unforgettable Portuguese sunset
July 2nd, 2018
It’s been about three weeks since you blocked me…blocked me from trying to see the truth, blocked me from being a part of your life, and blocked me to try and prevent me from seeing who you really are. But, it didn’t work…if anything, your actions showed me exactly who you were and are.
I’ll never forget meeting you for the first time. I was in Porto and; I wasn’t quite expecting you to come in the way you did. You were authentic, smooth, happy, genuine, honest…You were everything that I thought made up the perfect person.
I think one of my favorite parts about you was your eyes. When we would find ourselves in a moment of silence we would just stare into the other’s eyes and smile; sometimes this lasted for awhile and suddenly each time I felt more connected to you. I wonder often if you really felt the same. Some days the answer is yes and others it is no. Even though now you say to her** that I was nothing; I think it’s just your way of hiding. Because it’s better to admit to her that I was a “mistake” rather than owning up to the fact that you had feelings. I try not to think about it too much as I know I’ll probably never have the answer and that’s something I am trying to cope with everyday.
I want to believe that your tears at the train station were real, and that your words and actions were more than just a show.
I’m not sure what you think about me now; and honestly, I don’t care. Despite only being back in the U.S for three weeks, I have made significant steps towards a fresh beginning; one that doesn’t include you. In fact, I had almost gone a whole day without even thinking about you.
I guess that’s one perk to you completely deleting me from your life — and that is that each day brings very few reminders of you…I have actually deleted all of the Brazilian music you played for me off of my phone because it hurt too much to listen to it anymore. It brought back too many memories of what no longer is.
But yesterday; two things happened that made me think of you: 1) Brazil lost to Belgium and 2) I was unpacking my things and came across your jacket. I remembered how you told me “Take care of our jacket, Molly.” Honestly, I didn’t know how to react so I just stared at it for awhile, emotionless. After all, how are you supposed to react when something physically brings you back a wave of emotion to remind you that yes…that charming Brazilian boy did and still does exist..somewhere. That even after a toxic/unexpected ending, a tearful goodbye, a transatlantic flight and three weeks of no contact, you, and our history still exist.
At first, it took all of my energy to not think about you and our time together. I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t sting a little bit when I think about your eyes, your cute Brazilian accent, you singing Samba to me while you cook dinner, and how you always smiled at me, hugged me, kissed me and asked constantly how I felt or what I was thinking and if I was happy.
Well, you can’t imagine how happy I was. I feel ridiculous sometimes because we knew each other for a short time, but you, us, and our chemistry made me stupidly happy. This is naive, but I wonder if I’ll ever find that again, even though it was temporary. We could talk about anything..every conversation was raw and honest, others were as simple as how on my next visit we would buy plants for your apartment because they brought positivity. We both saw ourselves as positive and happy together; how ironic that this all ended so negatively to where it physically hurt.
When you blocked me on everything I was literally at a loss for words, I couldn’t breathe or think. Was the boy who cried to me at the train station, kissed me goodbye and told me to never forget him really gone?……The boy WHO TOLD ME to never forget him had already taken a step to forgetting me. Was this planned all along? This was/is the most confusing part for me.
The first week or so I killed my mind into complete exhaustion thinking about it. A week later, it occurred to me that you aren’t worth it- you aren’t worth my time, my energy or my emotions. Especially when you haven’t been present to explain why you did what you did and to help me find closure. I have already accepted that it will be a long time before closure is found.
You, us and our situation is the most bizarre thing to ever happen to me. I think that’s why it affects me so much. However, even though what happened hurts deep into my core, I am leaving it all behind…
Sometimes I wonder when we would see each other again or talk again..but why would I want that? What good what it do me to let a complete narcissist back into my life? I never wanted it to end this way…especially when I was still blinded by the illusions I had of you. The image of who I thought you were.
Although, we both believed we met for a reason; you feel like nothing more than a stranger now. I want to believe you were authentic, but the fact that you lied to me, told me you were single when you really had a devoted girlfriend hiding away in Brazil deeply bruises any ounce of trust that I ever had for you. More so because your idea of “handling” it was to completely throw the guilt on me, continue to lie, and then cut me out of your life like I never happened.
Obviously, I’m bitter about you, but I have reason to be. That’s mostly why I am writing this..not to seek revenge, bad mouth you, or hurt you, but so I can begin to forget you and leave you in my past. With time, you’ll be nothing more than a thought written on a piece of paper. If you do by chance read this, I don’t hate you. I’m not that kind of person and you’ve seen that. But this is my way finding closure with you and more importantly–myself.
♥
Cordialmente,
Sua Loira
