Shifting Self-Perception: My Self-Love Journey

“Each time you make a good decision or do something nice or take care of yourself; each time you show up to work and work hard and do your best at everything you can do, you’re planting seeds for a life that you can only hope will grow beyond your wildest dreams. Take care of the little things—even the little things that you hate—and treat them as promises to your own future. Soon you’ll see that fortune favors the bold who get sh*t done.”

– Sofia Amoruso

Everytime I get asked what my favorite part about living abroad was by a family member, friend, or just a stranger on the street that I happened to have a conversation with, they are most likely looking for an answer that involves late nights with strangers drinking wine in Porto, hiking the Alps, experiencing new cultures, or surfing in Spain. The answer that they aren’t expecting is that my favorite part is that I learned how to love myself. (I can already sense your eye roll and if this isn’t what you wanted to read then turn back now… haha, if it is, keep reading.)

Fantastic, I am happy you’re still here…

Self-love wasn’t something that I was planning on learning while abroad. I went with every intention of traveling, creating new experiences, figuring out my life, and maybe snagging a Spanish husband…it sounds ridiculous, but it is what it is.

What I didn’t realize is that I would be planting seeds to become the person who I am today. To be honest, learning to love myself wasn’t really something that I was concerned with, because I thought I already did love myself. I didn’t have any reason not to love myself (in my mind). I had just graduated with honors and a very high GPA, I was successful in many student organizations, I had a supportive family and great group of friends.. I had “it all.”

But it wasn’t until the spring of my first year in Spain that a very important and pivotal person in my life during that time told me “ You’re everything, smart, pretty, funny…and you think you like me and want more with me, but I think you’re just avoiding to love yourself and I think that’s what you need… to love yourself Molly.” By the time I heard this from him, I had already been taking small steps to self-love, but hadn’t taken it too seriously. But until he said this, I didn’t even realize that self-love was what I needed and when he told me this it instantly was the biggest smack in the face…it HURT, especially coming from someone that I was very emotionally invested in and that I cared a lot about. But, deep down, I knew he was right..it is exactly what I needed. So much so I was reflecting on life happenings a few weeks ago and I texted him and thanked him for telling me that because it is what I needed to realize at that time more than anything.

The beginning of my journey was not easy, not even a little bit…and it still isn’t at times. After he told me that, I went into a pretty dark phase and didn’t know if I would ever be able to get out of it. I was sad all of the time, I cried a lot, I had no appetite, I could barely make it through teaching classes without crying, and I just simply felt numb to everything for awhile. I don’t know exactly what happened but I remember I started taking very long walks in the woods and I would listen to podcasts and music that made me feel good and I would really take this time to reflect on myself and somewhat dissect what I was feeling or how I would react to certain situations or get so involved with my problems emotionally to where I would honestly just disrespect myself for even giving a reaction to them.

And one day it just clicked, I promised myself that I was going to take at least a year to work on myself and to make myself a better person and become stronger in all aspects. No dating and no focusing on anyone but myself. When I say one year, this is an ongoing journey, but I needed a lot of work and it was necessary to make myself my primary concern for at least one year. I knew that a lot needed to change in my life and I dedicated myself to achieving that.

Like I mentioned, it still isn’t easy at times and it will never be perfectly easy. But I believe that a huge part of it is learning acceptance of who you are, what your situation is, and understanding what you have control over and creating a cognizance that some things simple are what they are. That being said, here a few of my tips:

Leave expectations at the door

This is vital. Stop comparing yourself to others and their situations. Leave behind any desire you have to be perfect because it’s never going to happen. No one is perfect despite what they show us on social media or whatever. With social media, I think it is a great tool but it can also cause us to get sucked into this kind of negative trap where we don’t feel satisfied if we aren’t traveling all over the world or wearing the latest fashions. It really breeds an environment of envy if we aren’t careful or aware of who we follow and what we see daily as we scroll through a feed. Everyone is posting their “best selves,” including myself. So take everything you compare yourself to with a grain of salt, because as they say, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

Spend time alone

This is beneficial in many ways not only to learn about yourself and to explore what fuels you, but it teaches you just to simply enjoy your own presence. Don’t isolate yourself, but spend lots of quality time in your own presence. I did/do this in many ways. I developed a morning routine that I stuck to for a long time and it was just quiet morning time just for me. I would meditate at times. I started working out and spending quality time prepping healthy meals. I would go for long 2-3 hour walks by myself. I started taking a Portuguese class. One thing that I really got into was going to coffee shops and sitting there for half a day just writing and reading books on self-improvement and it was truly valued time that became a regular part of my week while in Spain.  

Spending time alone is SO important and you can do this in so many ways, and how you do it is completely up to you. Partake in something daily that just makes you happy and gives you that alone time that is so needed to just sit back and reflect. Once you can enjoy your own company you realize that you really don’t need anyone elses to be happy. Learn to be your own BAE!

Don’t be so hard on yourself

I am very competitive with myself and this was difficult for me to learn. Hand in hand with comparing myself to others, I did this quite frequently. I was never happy with how I looked or anything really about myself despite putting on a show that I was happy. If I wasn’t reaching certain outcomes in relationships, fitness, or whatever, then I would mentally beat myself up over it.

When it comes down to it, you are the only one with expectations for yourself and expectations that others may have for you don’t matter. So just take the pressure off and take yourself a little less seriously. I still am hard on myself some days, but most of the time I try to treat myself like a damn queen. I learned to not lower my self worth to make someone else happy or to change myself for anyone. I know this is all easier said than done, but set standards for yourself and what you require; then NEVER change that for anyone. Know where you stand and respect yourself.

Accept that happiness isn’t the goal, it’s the journey.

So cliché, but so true. It is great to have goals whether they are personal or career related, but take time to appreciate where you are. For example, a self love journey. Appreciate the small things and appreciate the highs and lows because you will learn so much from them. In reality, once you reach a goal you’ll probably have another one in mind that you want to achieve so you’ll never be content if your happiness is strictly goal oriented.

Appreciate what you have.

It’s so easy to focus on what we want or don’t have, but whatever you do have whether it’s talents, a certain body type, personality traits, etc..OWN IT! We all have unique traits that make us, us and when you shift your self-perception to a positive state and see what you do have, you start to build on those and make them true strengths. No one will ever be perfect, so nurture what you got and flaunt it. Be grateful for what makes you, you. It’s always useful to show gratitude in times of happiness so you can reflect back on that when you are feeling down.

Do what makes you happy.

One of the best parts about this journey was finding passions that I truly LOVE! Two of those things, no surprise, are fitness and traveling. These are two things that give me a deep connection to myself and leave me feeling happy and fulfilled! My sense of pride comes from being able to grow in unfamiliar environments and it shows me that my well-being comes from inside me no matter where I am. I feel so alive and grounded when I am outside of my comfort zone whether it’s in another country or in the gym, because I love pushing myself to do things that I never would have before I started this journey. I know that going to the gym or going on a trip will help me feel better and they are things that I will never give up for anything because they have helped me to get to where I am today! True happiness does result from who/what we decide to invest in.

Awhile back, I told a good friend this and it is something that I have incorporated in my life and have seen changes for the better:

“I knew when I’ve been at the darkest times in my life that it was time to start investing in myself and the inspiring people around me. I’ve met people from all backgrounds and places that have inspired me to be better. It all starts with an open mind, a story, a smile, a hello, an hola, or a hug. Then the love and friendships just keep multiplying and here I am with a strong tribe that consists of amazing people like you that keep me happy and inspired everyday. By investing in you and the other friends I’ve made it’s made everything sprinkle back together.”

Thank you all so much for being here; and I hope you enjoyed reading this blog as much as I enjoyed writing it.

xoxo,

Molly